My heart feels like it has been steadily wearing out over the past few months. Deteriorating slowly but surely… until this morning that is, when my heart actually felt on the brink of failure. I didn’t want to do anything, I wanted to just give up. I knew something was horribly wrong with this attitude but I couldn’t seem to shake it.
Once again I was overcome and overwhelmed by my own darkness and I assumed that the worn out feeling likely had a lot to do with what I continue to hold onto in my rotting flesh sin nature – pride (my own will, my own rights, my own way), blaming people, bitterness, resentment, etc. Hypocrite. It didn’t feel good to recognize this and I was focusing on all the wrong things feeling disgusting and gross. I still didn’t know how to handle it, though I knew these were things I needed to let go.
I could not seem to come to Him though. Stripped of all joy, my failing heart felt like it was at its end as I spent my morning at work in what seemed like a pit of depression. I felt so melodramatic as well which only made me more frustrated. Though I rarely share things like these since they are personal between me and God – to give any potential reader a perspective, the only thing I was able to say to Him this morning was what wrote in my journal:
Lord, I feel so unworthy to even write You today. My heart is impure and unholy, full of pride. I need Your love and mercy to rain down and make me new, make me clean. Kill the death and darkness in me that I keep holding on to. Hold me, draw me close to You. Please, though I am wicked and undeserving. I need You. Help me. In Jesus’ name. Have mercy on me Oh Lord, a sinner. Amen.
Though the words sounded right, it was such a half-hearted prayer given my condition… yet I knew the Lord could see everything going on inside me.
I went about my morning work, though not engaged whatsoever in anything I was doing – I was just going through the motions. I don’t believe I even smiled once (you know it’s bad when I’m not smiling because I smile a lot)… what a shame given the fact I work one-on-one with another human as well. My melancholy state was horrid; thankfully the person I work with was unaware, yet it still had an effect on the morning.
When my shift was finally over, I left and turned on the radio in my car for the drive home. I barely listened to the first song that was on, then a brief broadcast caught my attention because it said something along the lines of “if you need prayer, we’re here for you” and gave a phone number (once). I’ve heard this kind of commercial many times before. And even though I don’t like being on the phone when I drive, I turned down the volume on the radio and pulled out my phone as I tried to hold the number in my head. I typed in what I thought it was and then realized I’d forgotten the middle three numbers. I quickly gave up and put the phone back where it had been previously… I continued going through the motions of driving for a few minutes, then decided to turn the radio station back up.
Right then… the most pertinent song came on. Little did I realize it. Brandon Heath’s song “The Light in Me”. By the end, I was crying. These lyrics penetrated to my very soul…
The spark, the shot to the heart,
You are the Hope that leads me out of the dark
You let Your love shine down
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. – 1 John 1:5-7
My heart is still heavy and weary, I’m trying NOT to wallow in my darkness… but remembering WHO puts the light in me, and the HOPE who leads me out of my darkness has been both humbling and uplifting. It’s so easy to forget when the feelings and weight of sin is overwhelming… but that’s why Jesus is the Savior and Messiah (not Brittney)… the only Way, Truth, and Life (John 14:6)… Who’s yoke is easy and burden is light (Matthew 11:30), because He is the only One who could bear the darkness and shame of the world to shine His light into those areas of our lives so that we can walk in the light as He is in the light.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” – John 8:12
I was a flame burning down
I was burning out
But You knew me better
For You there was never a doubt
Not since You gave me Your life
Something was different, I knew it the instant
You put the light in me
The spark, the shot to the heart,
You are the Hope that leads me out of the dark
You let Your love shine down
so that the world could see
You put the light in me
The light, You put the light in me (x4)
You are the Maker
You tell the sun when to rise
I’m just a house on a hill
But You make me brighter than all the stars in the sky
Keep me from growing dim
cause in Your perfection, I’m just a reflection
so pull me closer to You
I’ll catch like a fire, and I’ll hold You higher
Cause You put the light in me
The spark, the shot to the heart,
You are the Hope that leads me out of the dark
You let Your love shine down
so that the world could see
You put the light in me
The light, You put the light in me (x4)
I’ll raise it high, I’ll let it show
From the rooftops down to the streets below
In day and night, You will be known
And all will see
You put the light in me
Cause You put the light in me
The spark, the shot to the heart,
You are the Hope that leads me out of the dark
You let Your love shine down
so that the world could see
You put the light in me
The light, You put the light in me (x4)