Clayheart

Outpourings from an imperfect but redeemed & treasured heart of clay.

Category: Life Moments (page 2 of 11)

I miss writing

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” ― Ernest Hemingway

This is such a valid quote. Only what happens if you’re so fatigued you can’t “bleed” even if you want to?

That’s my current state.

Typically that quote is true for me and there is nothing to writing, I can just bleed upon some pages or a keyboard. Yet these days I’m so exhausted by life that I can’t even pull myself to write down much of anything, much less what I feel burning inside to share.

I miss the solace brought to my soul by worship through written expression. I feel the Lord pulling me back to this and wanting me to worship Him here again. He’s taking me through some recovery though and rest. Oh how I need the rest…

I’ve isolated myself this afternoon and limited my face-to-face interaction with people, which is something I haven’t done in over two straight months. I’ve enjoyed the silence and not hearing myself or others speak. I’ve just listened to worship music and focused my energy on other things (like updating the theme of this blog). It’s been nice and refreshing. I think I’ll be taking another day of isolation and silence tomorrow to just be with the Lord.

Stay tuned… I’ll be writing more again soon.

“Perpetual Motion”

It’s been a while. I’ve been “busy” to say the least, but this busy-ness has taken me into a role away from the normal type of busy I get sucked into. I have been away from the computer. Quite a fabulous break considering schoolwork during the semester requires the use of the computer multiple times a day, plus most of my jobs in the past have required computer/internet access. But that whole lifestyle drives me crazy and I always do my best to get away from it…

I’ve quickly grown accustom to experiencing and “doing life” away from the computer and around limited technologies this summer. It’s been my goal for some time to scale down my time on here and in any “virtual” or online pseudo-reality. I’d been pushing to return back to things of a more tangible and real nature that I personally feel is more in-tune with the ways of the Lord. I’ve been hungry for less distraction and to have deeper clarity of mind, heart, and spirit. Really to connect more intimately with my Father.

So the Lord provided me with a job. One that I initially thought would provide me with the opportunity to be less distracted and away from these technologies, but it’s brought up unique challenges and stretches me in ways I didn’t imagine. The job literally fell into my lap and wasn’t one I searched out or even had qualifications for. The turn around time was insanely fast though, they offered me the job during the interview, I had the weekend to decide and then two weeks of training began the beginning of the following week.

My summer days are spent mostly outside and typically working 24 hours 5 days a week with high schoolers studying and learning about trees, plants, insects, birds, snails, salamanders, backpacking, outdoor ethics, etc. I sleep in a tent or under a tarp 5 nights a week, and cannot shower between Sunday and Friday.

I have a full week off this week since the 4th of July wasn’t scheduled to have campers. The thing that has me concerned now that I have time to process is this: I have kind of been in a state of what I’ll refer to as “perpetual motion”.

I hit the ground running as soon as training began for this job, but hadn’t stopped or shifted gears to reflect or process any of it until now. I only have a day off in between weeks, but even those didn’t feel like rest. My methodical, slow transitioning natured-self, entered an entirely new experience (minus the part where I’m responsible for the care and safety of campers – the majority of my jobs have been in that kind of capacity) at lightning fast speed. There were multiple scenarios and sudden changes that I had to adjust to during my first official weeks on the job even after training. I only had one brief breakdown last week from a sudden adjustment but because of the nature of the work, I just had to keep moving and did so within the hour by the grace of God… I felt like I was barely hanging on.

As I’ve finally been able to slow down and reflect, I notice how much of my life has been in this state of perpetual motion… it’s in the background and we don’t recognize it. Time doesn’t stand still and “life” (as we call it) keeps on rolling. A full month of my life just flew by unnoticed until I realized today’s date…

Today is the anniversary of when Jesus came into my life and changed my heart forever… I almost didn’t pay attention. I almost just let this day fly by without stopping to realize its significance.

I reflect… a lot… maybe too much. But I try to recall memories on a regular basis and assess my heart, life-status, and the relationships the Lord gives me. I don’t want to be in a state of perpetual motion. It’s necessary for me to stop, evaluate, and treasure the moments… write them out to recollect, prioritize, and know what has value.

In my opinion, I don’t think life should be in this state of perpetual motion. Even though “time” keeps moving forward… we serve a God who is not constricted to this “law” and I believe He wants us to slow down, stop, listen, and know Him. So that’s what I’m doing this week and will try to remember as I return to work next week. Slow down, listen, and love God and the people surrounding you. Stop and cherish the moments and relationships in your life.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” – Psalm 46:10

Declutter & Simplify

I have recently felt the need to declutter and simplify my life… from the outside in and the inside out. It is my summer goal.

Initially, it was a response due to a change of location and a quick move. I needed to reorganize after just throwing stuff in boxes to get from A to B. I have had a desire for a long time to simplify, cut back, and minimize though… the need has hit me on various times in my life. But recently it morphed into wanting all of my belongings fit into my car for ease of transport and to obtain the nomadic lifestyle.

Now, I’m beginning to see some spiritual connections and am wondering if the Lord has taken me on this journey in this specific timing for deeper reasons and to teach me more about Himself, and/or reveal more of my weakness/brokenness/human nature and need of Him.

Until I started to tangibly purge some things, I didn’t notice how much “stuff” I’ve actually accumulated or do not even use. This stuff is also very telling of my character, interests, what I hold on to, issues, etc. One starts to notice certain patterns or traits of what we like to ‘carry with us’… whether it’s stuff tucked away in storage, things we think are important, or something we use on a daily basis.

My mind goes into various avenues of “why do I even have this?” and I then remember that at one point I thought it was important enough to keep, and the rationale is “I can always use this at some point”.

I am an extremely sentimental person and I also hate wasting, so if someone has given me something – I tend to keep it even if I never use it because of the simple fact that it has value since someone I love gave it to me. I attach things to relationships, to my past, to my future, to my present… and yet, I still may not use the item. I choose to carry it around though – why function this way?

Decluttering, simplifying, and reorganizing is very overwhelming. It surfaces a lot of stuff that is hard to let go of. It’s mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting because it touches every facet of my life and being. It’s painful in the process and yet the ultimate goal is more freedom… I want to get to the end.

I feel like the Lord has prompted me in this process to go even deeper with my decluttering and purging… not just in the tangible, but in the intangible stuff of my heart and internal processes. The impurities and stains of my insides need exposure and proper cleansing. A child-like faith is needed as I let go of these complex ideals and return to the truth and simplicity of the Cross and blood of my Jesus for that cleansing and exposure.

I think He must have known that my summer goal would start this process. I asked Him (without realizing at the time that it related) to strengthen and equip me this summer for what I am supposed to do in His Kingdom. I still don’t know what He will do through this, but I now see that He’s intentional in taking me through these decluttering/organizing days.

What else can He declutter, purge, and simplify in my heart while I obediently do this in my physical life? I await in expectation His beautiful teaching and merciful moving.

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