As these deep sobs reach this intermission, I’m compelled to write.
Has anyone else had a rough start to the new year?
I’m overwhelmed, but I’m also thankful and reminded of God’s faithfulness during this time. I won’t pretend though, this hurts and my heart is slightly in anguish. I knew my comfort zone would be challenged, and I knew it would hurt… I just didn’t anticipate it would literally start on day 1 of 2014. All the things that are so readily taken for granted, the things I so easily depend upon… I knew a lot would be taken away to expose, refine, and stretch my faith and equip me for what lies ahead. I just don’t want to lose sight of my First Love in the midst of all of this. I want to still trust Him and put all my hope, security, and dependency in His unfailing love, blood, and Cross.
My soul aches for those of us who are not ready for what’s coming. As I am also mourning the past week, the fact that none of us are ready is more why I sob and pray. People that I know, hold dear, and are a part of my life are missing it and not paying attention. They’re stuck in their comfort zones, depending upon menial created things for security, or out living their lives as if things aren’t about to radically change and they have a lifetime left to live or they are so focused on petty selfish things that they’re blind to it all. I find some relief and joy when I listen to the hearts of those who are becoming awake and alert – it also helps me to snap out of my slumber. I know I’ve been asleep and have slept WAY too long. I know I’m not ready… but I want to be. I don’t think I can see or distinguish the global signs of the times like some can, but I can feel something in the deep parts of my spirit in my times of seeking Jesus – it’s frightening and makes me want to hit my knees and truly fear my God.
I am on overload… what am I to do with this information and what I sense? How would I even be able to have mercy and help others through what I feel is coming? Is it my job to admonish and share what I feel in my gut is pending? Do I just need to pray or do I have a responsibility to say something? Am I afraid of the ridicule or afraid of being wrong? Am I concerned that people will think I am being over-spiritual or arrogant? If I even say anything, will people even receive it or will it freak them out and push them away from the truth? Am I getting in the way? Where do I go from here and what should I even be doing during this time?
So many questions and things have been racing through my heart and mind lately. I am just a sinner, just one weak human… ill prepared for the upcoming season and bawling because of the intense nature of what I feel.
When it all hits, do not forget what is real, what is true, what/WHO is the only thing you should depend upon and put your hope and security in. Let Him have control now, so that when things in your life seem out of control you can rest and abide in Him. Be ready.