I had multiple meltdowns in the month of January. During various periods of the month, I was completely and totally overwhelmed with my circumstances, in addition to the other burdens that were weighing on me with regard to the body of Christ. It felt like more than I could bear and my typical response in those times is to just… weep. Most people don’t find this productive and used to I would feel ashamed of it also, as if crying over situations would change anything, right? What a baby… I thought I was way too melodramatic all the time and ridiculous. It always felt uncontrollable, even though I would try my hardest to stop myself and not to respond with tears…
As I’ve recently come into an understanding and revelation of who I am and how God designed/wired me, I’m no longer ashamed of that kind of response. The Holy Spirit confirmed my identity in Christ back in December and now I realize weeping is how I just will naturally respond… God was intentional in designing me with such sensitivity, because it has a purpose in His Kingdom. Because in those moments when I’m overwhelmed by what I feel, I begin literally crying out from the depths of my soul to the heart of my King. This isn’t unproductive in the least. This emotional response tends to happen when I’m overloaded and really seeking my Father. I’m supposed to reach that place of brokenness and raw vulnerability, because there is where I begin to petition my Lord… that’s where my heart is wide-open. My weakness is blatantly expressed, because it’s supposed to be. I am interceding during that time and my reliance on God is heightened due to my weakness. That’s when I begin to lay the burdens down at His feet, finding rest and abiding in His arms. It may not be the Martha approach of getting things done… but it’s a Mary response – at Jesus’ feet.
However, this gifting and response DOES have an unproductive side. I won’t make excuses or arrogantly boast that my “identity” in Christ gives me reason to always be weeping. If I were to shut people out and say “no, you don’t understand – I’m supposed to be this emotional” and excuse away my behavior to always be a weeping mess, that isn’t productive in the Kingdom of God. I’m learning there is a time and place for it. If I wallow and dwell on situations as well, rather than actively turning it over to the Lord, that also is counter-productive. There are certain ways that we each respond to stuff in our lives and things God lays on our hearts. The important part of those responses though needs to be a turning to the Cross, regardless of how the expressions come out… they have to be heading and responding in that manner and direction.
If I try to harden my own heart and will myself to not let the tears flow… if I forfeit my sensitivity and softening of my heart before the throne of God just for the sake of appearance, I’m denying a part of my heart as well as His in that process. So from now on, I’m going to let the tears flow as long as they draw me closer to the Lord and not further away from Him.
Learn to live unashamed in the shadow of the Almighty King of Kings!