Clayheart

Outpourings from an imperfect but redeemed & treasured heart of clay.

Anxiety, Hang-Ups, and in Need

I’m sitting here… just crying… for no seemingly apparent reason.

I just had a wonderful day. Yet, I’m crying.

I’m super needy right now. Super in-need.

I don’t know where this comes from or why it happens. It just seems to continue happening. It’s likely from the very pit of hell and Satan’s way of trying to finagle into my head to hang me up… or maybe it’s the excuse I hold on to so I don’t have to let go and let Jesus take control.

For some ridiculous reason lately I keep focusing on my hang-ups…

I constantly remind myself or others of my own awkwardness. I then tell the story of my anxiety level and nervousness to give myself that extra cushion of “protection”. ‘Oh, you didn’t know? On a daily basis I experience the full fledged symptoms of anxiety – sweating profusely, trembling hands or body, muscle tension, and dry mouth.’ I haven’t always been open about it… but I think in the last year I started telling some people, and now it’s like I can’t even stop… I’m now relying upon their understanding of me. Like somehow I wish people could step into my body and experience what I have had to live with every day for the past 10+ years. THEN they’d understand! THEN they’d see me… THEN they’d get it and know what I sacrifice.

But it’s all just more justification and excuses… who am I trying to fool? Or am I just trying to win accolades for all the stuff I perceive I have to overcome every day? Or am I trying to win sympathy points so people will hang out with me?

Why do I do all that?!

Who gives a rip that I’ve faced internal anxiety every single day of my life since I hit my teen years.   In the grand scheme of things, does that even matter? No. So why the heck do I continually bring it up?!

I am in need of deliverance. I am in need of healing. In a big way.

I hadn’t really taken my anxiety to the Cross. I guess I hadn’t thought about it much because it was just a daily occurrence that I’ve learned to live with. I’ve relied on people who know about it to remind me to “relax” and “breathe”… it gives me some attention, doesn’t it? Hmm… but I really don’t like that attention anyway. Without the anxiety/awkward crutch though, where would that leave me?

That would leave me with no excuses. That would leave me in the best possible place I can be, at the foot of the Cross… washing Jesus’ feet with my tears of gratitude.

I am in need.

I need prayer. A lot of it. I need healing from anxiety, from daily walking in the lies that Satan’s fed me and I’ve believed for over 10 years. Bound up in chains and shackles for this long is hard, but I know Jesus Christ has overcome more than that before and He will again.

So in my hour of great need… pray for my deliverance from this madness for good. I don’t want to live like this anymore. It isn’t living… it isn’t breathing… it isn’t walking in the freedom of the Cross.

2 Comments

  1. Jonathan Violassi

    May 16, 2013 at 5:32 am

    I’m praying for you JB, and have been!

    Just know you’re not the only one who struggles with these thoughts.. after all, I invented awkwardness.
    I’m not trying to say this as some effort to “cheer you up”, but I really think you’re not an awkward person. That’s just me. I’ve never seen you that way.

    If I could speak from my experience, I think sometimes in my effort to BE genuine or BE honest I can come off as awkward. I always get mad and frustrated at myself when I think about a certain conversation or situation and I’m like “Geez, that couldn’t have been more awkward on my end.”

    Bottomline: I don’t have an answer for you… but for what its worth, its something I struggle with too and on a side note I don’t think your awkward (Jesus doesn’t either) , and the true depth of your character and the amazing woman of God you are I think far outweighs any quirky little oddities. I’ll pray that we both can keep putting our identity in Christ! I know its a battle.

    P.S. On another sidenote, Camping is Intense!

  2. Just letting you know that your honesty is often exactly what I need, sister! You are most definitely not alone. And we are most definitely not alone because we can take our fears and nervousness and awkwardness and stress directly to the Savior. Praying for you!

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