I have missed writing…
Yet, as much as I’ve missed it, I still cannot bring myself to write consistently. I think because my attitude has been in a steady downward spiral since November, I didn’t see the point anymore. As blow after blow has pounded upon my heart, the enemy was winning…
I’d become bitter.
And that bitterness has permeated my being and poisoned my expressions. It’s apparent in my thoughts. It’s apparent in my words. It’s apparent in my actions. It’s apparent in my interactions. It’s apparent in my energy levels.
It’s taken me 6 months to realize it fully. I had the sneaking suspicion bitterness was taking hold. I felt it altering, changing, hardening my heart. That tenderness toward people was nearly gone – replaced by suspicion, cynicism, and isolation. Yet I turned a blind eye, because I was so bent on being justified in my anger. I had good cause for this bitterness, I really did. Deceit, lies, betrayal on intimate relational levels… from people I trusted most in my life. It was confusing… and then I became angry and bitter at God for it because He didn’t “protect” me or others I love from the pain.
How could you, God? Why didn’t you protect me from experiencing this? Do you really even love me at all?
As of yesterday, I finally admitted my bitterness openly and accepted it. As of today, I looked up Bible verses on bitterness. As of this evening, I’ve cried about it and am accountable for it. And before I sleep, I will repent and beseech the throne to cleans me of it.
Bitterness is exhausting. It has affected every facet of my life.
The Lord used a dear friend of mine to penetrate my hardened heart a few weeks ago. He’s known me since I was 4 years old, and he’s almost 10 years older than me. I also hadn’t seen him for 10 years, but got to reconnect with him in person again. He gave me hope with his words, and he had no idea what all I had been through. He said that I was still the same as the day he met me.
It took a few days for that to sink in, and I cried so hard when it finally hit me… because there was hope in the Cross and in my Creator… that I was not beyond redemption again. That there was still a part of me that was the soft, sensitive, caring individual that God calls me to be – only by His grace.
The Lord, through my friend and older brother in Christ, was calling me out of my darkness… breathing life and light into me once more. I’m finally feeling the affects of it. Love is becoming real to me again. Slowly, but steadily – His love conquers all.
Praise His name!
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. – Psalm 51:10