I’ve done it… I quit my full time job without a “real plan” for my future.
There are tons of options, for sure… I think? I hope. The options feel like the overwhelming kind of possibilities that sometimes makes-you-feel-trapped-in-uncertainty-but-wanting-to-run-away-to-the-ends-of-the-earth-just-to-take-an-action-step… kind of possibilities…
Does that make any sense?
In the past few weeks, amidst piecing together part time roles, saying goodbyes, wondering what no insurance feels like again, having no “plans”, and rebelling against my fears or trying to jump into another full time role… I’m realizing I’m wrestling with a lot more mentally than I have emotionally this time. Typically, in these types of circumstances, I’m a panicking, emotional wreck. This time – it’s different.
This time, I’m taking it slow and don’t want to control or plan my life out. I’ve been there done that and it hasn’t been healthy. It’s very difficult to not want to plan or control though. It’s been my norm for quite a few years and I’m burnt out.
This time, I want to understand rest. But my present mode is trying to fight my own stubborn habit of taking things into my own hands and making things work for what I want. Fighting the mental planner in me is a chore sometimes.
I’ve spent the past 3+ years running from God and filling the void it left in my soul with other things that have left me hurting, empty, dry, hardened, and frustrated. So I know the running and the planning my own thing isn’t what’s best, nor is it from God.
I’m stepping out after a very long stint of rebellion and hard-headed controlling because I thought God wasn’t trustworthy anymore and He’d hurt me too many times. But I’m relearning how to trust that God does have my best interest at heart, and I’m remembering that He just wants my heart back with His… all the time…
It’s strange to look back at a lot of my writing before the pain took me over. I wallowed in it instead of letting God take it. There was a deep joy, purity, and innocence to my writing which is something I long to go back to now, but I’m not sure if I ever can and I need to be okay with that. I’m not sure why the Lord has taken me through all of this, but I just have to trust it’s all for His glory and for my benefit.
It’s time for me to let go of everything again, step out, and let Him have His way in me once more…
Trusting is harder now than it ever was, but I know it has to be worth it since I’ve made every other attempt to avoid it and it just left me more scarred than before.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
– Jeremiah 29:11
It’s almost like God is saying something as I step out and back into His arms: ‘Welcome back to the journey, dear one. I’ve missed you!’ and He accepts me with a huge hug….. He knows how I love hugs…