I’ve observed some things lately about myself… I figured even though that’s kind of self-absorbed statement and topic to write on, perhaps it will turn out to be something another person can relate to.
The priorities of my heart are OUT OF WHACK!
I notice also that this occurs the most when my actions/thoughts reveal Jesus is not King of my heart, when I neglect to run after Him and rebel by wanting to live ‘my own way’ rather than live in submission and obedience to Him.
All kinds of nasty start coming to the surface in the way I speak to others, treat others, how I interject ME as more important to talk about, just general selfishness, etc.
I’m at college again – trying to balance and figure out how to function in this setting. It isn’t fun lately, I knew I’d run into this stuff… but I still wasn’t prepared for it to be quite like this.
I feel “stressed” and behind 24/7. I find as a result, I begin prioritizing based on ME.
‘God, I can’t spend time with you this morning… I’m behind on this and I have that assignment due tomorrow, I need more time to focus on that… ttyl, ok? Thanks, bye.’
‘I can’t deal with YOUR problems, friend. Go talk to someone else. I have homework to do and problems of my own. Bother someone else, PLEASE!’
‘I don’t really want to hear how you’re doing, family [member]. I just want to share about me or talk about the stress I’m under being here.’
Now grant it, I haven’t said those things literally… that’s just a pseudo-verbalization of where my heart truly is though and how my thoughts and actions would sound if they were actually said aloud. Those examples could pile up also, those are only a few. It makes me sad… how horrible are those?! I mean really… who would do that to a friend/family member? Yet I have.
Then when I DO stop and spend time with the Lord, He gently shows me that my priorities are not right. I weep, but do I repent? Often I’m finding that I haven’t. If we’re being honest. The cycle and trap continues…
This is a major life learning experience. I just want to trust the Lord.
This isn’t a very encouraging blog post, I know. It’s more of just a confession. I don’t have this all together. I don’t have a good handle on it. I often try to accomplish ‘getting this together’ on my own… but I do realize that I can’t, but need to run and cling to the Cross. I read this verse this morning and it describes how I’m feeling:
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
But these verses were above it:
Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The Lord confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
The reason I put them backwards though, is that I think the second part (which is the initial section in the bible) reveals what I SHOULD be doing… looking to the Lord to release me from the snare I put myself in. I know He is faithful and full of mercy… even when I am not. It’s time to lay “my priorities” down at the Cross and stop living as if this life is about ME.