I haven’t had the time or ability to post much on here the past week or so.  Seems like months since I’ve really written something of substance (not to worry though, I have a lot in me needing to be written out – I just have to find the time to do so).

Wanted to give a brief update on my progress so far in the training for the half marathon for Team World Vision.  My family has started going back to the gym, which means I have access to a track and treadmill.  This makes training a whole lot more effective.  Monday I jogged on the treadmill to test my endurance and see where I was fitness-wise.  I’m following the training plan (for the most part) outlined by Team World Vision. I jogged 3 miles straight through on Monday fairly easily.  Treadmill training is a lot easier than running normally though since it forces your legs to keep going, so I won’t be training soley on  the treadmill.

Tuesday I jogged on the track. They didn’t have a gauge on how many laps equaled a mile, but my sister and I guesstimated (10 laps) and found out today that 10 laps on this track did equal a mile.  I ran 20 laps yesterday, so 2 miles on the track and that was easy as well.  I don’t want to overtrain so I’m taking it slow and as it is outlined in the training plan.

Today is my Strength and Core Training day. I haven’t yet completed my workout, so I’ll need to still do that as soon as possible.

Alright, so that’s enough about my physical training part. Now on to the heart of the training.

To be honest, I had gotten a bit discouraged lately about this whole process.  I have the support of my family, but this is pretty much where it seems to stop.  My heart has not been in the right place the past few days and I’ve gotten side-tracked, forgetting why I was even doing this. Being vulnerable here, and honest that I am a fallen human.

The Lord is bringing me back on track, as I continue to surrender to Him. But I am having difficulties lately with surrendering and letting Him have His way.  My hard-headedness is trying to win as I hold on to MY will rather than His.  This then is creeping into every area of my life, which includes this half marathon training.

I seem to be forgetting the simple fact that no matter how “good” my intentions may be or seem, the core of it all still needs to be Christ and not me. I struggle in this area constantly – control. Reliquishing control to my Father needs to be a second by second process in my daily life.  My “good intentions” can only go so far as to be extensions of my own selfishness.  Without Jesus, that is all my actions are.

I may not have started the half-marathon journey in this way, or perhaps I did. Whatever the case may be, I need to surrender again and let Christ reign in my “intentions” and actions… for Him to be the source and not my own ideas, agendas, or selfishness.  This is what I have been battling lately in many areas.  I have a psychoanalyzation problem that I often fall into when I’m so focused on ME and MY LIFE instead of Christ, this in turn puts a major block between His and my relationship.  Not that anything can separate me from Him… it just makes me more self-absorbed and focused on my life here on earth, than on my life with Him.

I have a mind that evaluates and analyzes things from every angle. This becomes cluttering, distracting, choatic, and confusing. My mind and heart are both cunning, deceiving, and scattered. I have a simple desire, yet I get muddled down with everything going on in my heart, mind, and life… that I begin my wretched process of complicating things with my personal sin nature. Neglecting the very desire in the first place, my One Love. My mind and heart are complex, it’s no wonder Jesus came down to rescue us from ourselves and the curse of sin… it’s no wonder God asks for us to surrender everything to Him.

I guess my “struggle” can be simplified in God’s word (as always, He has an answer for everything and why do I not constantly remember this?!) in Romans 7:14-25

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Must I focus on this any longer? Or should I simply give thanks to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord, as Paul so eloquently does…

I hope this permeates every area of my mind, heart, and life – which includes this “project” of running a half marathon.  I can only lean heavily upon His grace through this inner turmoil and I trust and know that He will bring me through this choas and has a purpose for it. I just want to stay Cross-Eyed through it all…