Clayheart

Outpourings from an imperfect but redeemed & treasured heart of clay.

A chasing after the wind…

On Friday, November 14th, 2014. I wrote the following in my journal:

Is this real life? Is this even what life is supposed to feel like? None of this feels right. It’s all totally empty. I feel dead, cold, stressed. I need to break free. The bondage of this pseudo-life is heavy. It hurts. I want it to end. I want the life that Jesus is calling me to to begin. No more of this half-hearted fully controlled by ME, but justified as if I follow Jesus and He controls and guides my life. This socially acceptable life is no fit for me. I’m supposed to be weird… set apart… different from normal life. I am a stranger in this land, but I’ve assimilated to try to feel more comfortable. Where is my heart anymore? Where is the passion and devotion I once had for Jesus, the Cross, and mission work for His Kingdom?

I was lamenting and just speedily pouring out my frustrations in the safety of pen and page.

A month or so before this time, I had been reading in Ecclesiastes. It’s quite fitting in hindsight. I was just going through the motions by this point in my school semester and I just felt DONE.

I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. – Ecclesiastes 1:13-14

There’s a song my Leeland called Stand Still. It’s convicting all throughout it, but there’s this one lyric which digs into my very core every time I hear it. It says – “We’re moving too fast and it’s blinding us, the speed that we’re in is just too quick for love…” It’s painfully apparent in my own life when I stop for just a moment and pay attention. These brief realizations and revelations cause me to question everything that I’m involved in or doing, this “rat race” and lifestyle we’re subjected to is a load of lies.

I graduated this month with my undergraduate degree. Sure, it’s an accomplishment… but the further I get from the schoolwork, the more I realize how insignificant it is unless it is utilized for the purpose of God’s Kingdom. It’s expected of me by society to enter into this race and cycle, where the speed is dictated by others, and precious time is traded for dollars. I just happen to be rebellious though and always want to buck the systems of this world. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t be called into a 9-5 job by my Father, to reach individuals while pursuing Him and doing things for His Kingdom.

I just don’t want to move too fast or be swayed anymore by the typical lifestyle of this society. Life only comes from Jesus Christ, and my “work” is to walk in obedience out of a heart that loves Him.

Now all has been heard;
    here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
    for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
    including every hidden thing,
    whether it is good or evil. – Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

1 Comment

  1. Oh Brittney, this post resonates with me so much. Just having graduated myself, I feel all of those feelings and am only now recognizing that the rest of my days will be meaningless if they are not spent for Him. Prayers going up for you, sister! If you are ever coming to Canada, please let me know as I would love to meet in person some day and thank you for all the encouragement! :) Blessings.

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