A recent revelation and conviction of the state of my heart. My heart is sick.

I don’t say that to elicit concern or to have good writing material. I write it to bring it to the surface and finally get it out in the open. I’m in the recovery process now, after the Lord brought some of this to light.

I’m still slowly being shown what resulted in this, but when your heart has been hardened, it’s a bit more challenging to hear the voice and sense the gentle prodding of the Lord and Holy Spirit because some of the sensitivity is missing in that hardening.

I think part of my heart state relates to this verse though…

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12

In the past couple of weeks, God revealed that I had put my “hope” in things that were away from Him. Truthfully, a lot of this had been happening since mid-2012. Then while this “hope” and expectation continued to be deferred, my heart grew sicker and sicker, because my hope was not being met and it was not in Christ alone. While yes, my heart actually took a few massive beatings in addition to the deferring hopes… had my hope been in Jesus, those wounds from the beating would have healed much quicker.

Instead, I took things into my own hands and I’ve been on this pattern for the past couple of years. Until a massive part of me finally woke up…

I went through a tough summer emotionally and psychologically. Spiritually it was one of the driest spells I’ve been through as well… but I chose it. Yet, God used it to get me to a desperation point. Then when I reached that point, I floundered some more until I could be broken.

I’ve distracted myself from feeling and fully diving into this brokenness though… so I’d better stop running and turn around and face my Father before I fall back into my hard-hearted habits.

Right now… I just want this to be the cry of my heart: