I also wrote this back in April.
On April 19th, I found myself broken down…
In a series of strange events, the Lord began to bring my heart to a place of raw humility.
As connections I could not articulate began to pulse through my heart and spirit, from the things I had read, to the ache in my soul for relationship, to the insecurities and weakness of my flesh, to the speculation and wondering if my life would constantly be a pattern of having my gifts exploited, to the redemptive gift of the Cross and a deeper understanding of His grace… this brokenness could not be communicated through words or even those non-verbal tears.
I was left just feeling how much it all hurts. My words were diminished to questioning and wondering… ‘God, what do you want from me?!’
My heart at this point of excruciating turmoil. My flesh at war with my spirit. This deep longing to be needed, to feel special, to feel important, to be seen, to be heard… it began to overtake my emotions.
Why does no one see or hear? In the most urgent part of my heart I cry out… this message from my Father for people to wake up, pay attention, be aware, be honest with yourselves… watch, wait, and listen – throw away the distractions, the counterfeit relations, let go of the chains that bind you.
Maybe I’m just not communicating it right… maybe I’m placing an expectation on how I feel people should respond.
I just desire for us each to give it all to Jesus. Let it be covered by the blood of the Perfect Lamb.
The message is not one of gloom and doom. It is not one entirely of judgement. Yet how do I communicate it? What does God want from me? Why have these things been given for me to carry?
Why does my flesh go to the place of being a martyr?