If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9
The Lord has me in a season of examination and repentance.
It is lonesome… dark, and I don’t like what I’m seeing. I want to run, hide, cover up, turn my head and not look at it anymore.
My motives in so many areas of my life need to be purified. The overflow from of my heart is junk, a lot of pride and insecurity (click that to read a very pertinent article on the sin of insecurity, ouch). I’ve been consumed by it and was enjoying the fleshly satisfaction of exerting my own will and watering my ego. That is… until I started listening to the sound of what was actually retching from within. Until last night when I noticed the fruit being produced was not satisfying in the least.
It’s like eating candy. It tastes good, but not one bit of it nourishes the body. It isn’t satisfying, it’s damaging. I like candy…
I read something last night that destroyed my pride in an instant. I started reading a biography on Amy Carmichael, and this is what was stated:
“Yet Amy’s own work and witness must have been so unself-conscious, so unself-seeking that her family saw the purity of her motives. Here was no ego trip, no desire to acquire a reputation as pious and religious but just a natural, warm urge to show the love of the Lord Jesus in a practical way to fellow human beings.”
I broke down… started bawling right then and there without warning. I want that natural, warm urge to simply and purely show the love of Jesus in tangible practical ways to others… I started off this way because of seeds Christ planted in me, my how far I’d strayed…
My intentions and motives over the past couple of years have been to appease my self. I have been so focused on ME. I wanna feel special! I’ve worked harder and harder to do bigger and better things to boost my résumé… to acquire an awesome prestige. All in an attempts to cover up what’s really going on.
Loneliness, lack of faith, jealousy, discontentment, idolatry, bitterness… sin.
I began competing with women around me to try to be special enough, to try to be “more”, to try to live up to my idea of what a man would see was “worthwhile”. I kept feeling like I was getting overlooked and neglected, because I wasn’t the loud or flashy one. Or maybe it was because I was so awkward and nervous. I preferred the background back then because I felt like the Lord wanted me there. But from the background you can observe a lot, and if one isn’t careful, it’s easy to compare and get caught up in some Satanic lies. And that’s just what happened. Guys don’t look in the background so often, ya know, they notice the foreground girls. Or so that was my subconscious reasoning…
So my insecurity gets fed and my idolatry of myself and desire for a human relationship takes over. I talked more about my achievements… I promoted more what I do. “Look how impressive I am doing all these things for the Lord!” A failing attempt to try to manipulate a Christian guy’s thought to be ‘now THAT girl is worth the fight, I’ll take the risk and pursue that one’. Did I do it consciously? No. I wasn’t realizing so much at the time that I was doing this all out of my insecurities and fears. I was on that ego feeding path for a while… now I’m reeling from the misery it brought, and it’s time to walk in repentance.
God draws me back to Himself again… oh those haunting verses of James 4. How I’ve missed you, Father, and Your soothing true incessant love.
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. – James 4:7-10
I don’t care if I’m not like the other girl and I remain in the background, I want God to receive the glory and don’t need anyone else’s attention. I don’t care if you don’t see me or if you don’t think I’m worthwhile, my experiences equip me for eternal work and don’t have to be displayed here on earth.
I’m grieving, mourning, and wailing… and for at least the next 40 days, I’m recommitting my heart and life to Jesus. Walking in repentance, asking Him to purify me again and make me new. Submitting everything, my will and everything in between, back to Him.
Blessed are the pure in heart,for they will see God. – Matthew 5:8