HA! I just figured out the above title. Clever no? Yeah, likely a bit cheesy or not even really great, BUT! I found it quite interesting… you can just change a single letter in the word “INSANITY” and it becomes “INVANITY”… sure it’s my own made up word… but put the hyphen in there and you catch my drift. Or maybe not, but let me elaborate. As it is something that I’m getting smacked in the head and heart with.

Now, I know my writing lately has been sparse… and given the state I’ve been in recently it’s kind of been downright ridiculous in expression. There’s too much to factor in with why that is the case, but I will say that I’ll soon be returning to my usual self (the one the Lord delights in…) as my eyes/heart are being opened to how foolish MY WAYS have been the past month or so. That may be another story, but for now I will share what I believe the Lord has been trying to tell me the past couple of days.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” – Philippians 2:3

I have not been living this verse whatsoever… and I have not really seen much of this around me occur in over a month, so it’s much easier to get caught up in stuff when you don’t have an example or reminder right in front of you. In fact, I have faced more justified selfish ambition and vain conceit than I care to mention… both in my heart and in what I’ve observed around me. It makes me sad now that I’m realizing how horribly deep this is in my heart and life lately.

I have been so overwhelmed, stressed, and unable to handle my personal emotions lately that I have felt like I was losing my mind. Yet, my supposed “insanity” is something I’m now able to trace back to my in-vanity. I have been feeding and living in more vanity than I ever have in my life.

Vanity defined is excessive pride in one’s appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc… mmm, pride. YES… excessively… and in particular areas no less. Ouch.

In all my “glorious vanity”, I’ve managed to forget very quickly how to consider others above myself and even less have I considered them better than myself. My selfish ambition hit a brick wall earlier this week when all my efforts seemed to fail me, so I flipped out and couldn’t figure out what had happened (until today). My vain conceit has reached its full potential as I’ve tried to converse with various people I supposedly love but have only left them hurting instead. In this seed watering I’ve carried on for weeks, I have produced some lovely pride-fruit (this carries a sarcastic connotation in case you missed it), and successfully became the most royal high-maintenance queen of my own universe.

I then wonder why things are going awry… ? Why I’m so frazzled, freaked out, miserable, “insane”?

Reading the above verse in context is incredibly painful to my flesh, pride and vanity…

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
    taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    and became obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

I miss… Jesus. I miss… His ways. I miss… His attitude. I miss… His nature. I miss… His comfort. I miss… His Spirit. I miss… who I am in Christ. I miss… serving. I miss… humility. I miss… gentleness. I miss… joy. I miss… peace. I miss… patience. I miss… kindness. I miss… goodness. I miss… self-control. I miss… LOVE.

If you feel like you’re suffering from “insanity”, like I have felt a lot of lately… maybe it’s time we check out hearts and see if we’re really just “in-vanity”. God is showing me the error of my ways. He’s ever so patient and faithful to me, despite my shortcomings as a sinner. I’m very thankful for His mercy. I want it to bring me to my knees, let my fall come hard to the point of even breaking my knee caps on the ground. Let my pride die, its miserable existence come to an end, so that humility and Jesus can reign in my heart and life instead.

Lead me to the Cross…