I’m a perfectionist.

And let me tell you, that’s one of the most debilitating aspects of my flesh. It gives me a sense of CONTROL, but not the spirit-fruit of self-control. The sinful fruit born of my need to control my life and everything in it, do things my way instead of God’s way. I am my own god at that point…

Yet, my perfectionist nature is rewarded – it’s seen in society and this consumerist culture lead by selfish ambition as “awesome”. I “succeed” and over-achieve to the point of excessive. Then I’m complimented on it. Sure, it’s not necessarily BAD to be goal-oriented and hard-working to achieve and do your absolute best.

However, heart-check… when I start losing a grip on this and I DON’T get the reward (good grades, compliments, success, etc), I then freak out. Then get frustrated with myself, ‘I have to push harder, why am I not doing well? What am I doing that isn’t working?’. I begin to wrap up my worth in how well I’M doing. Remember that “In-Vanity” post? Yeah, here we go again.

I let this all just feed one of those SINS that the Lord hates and despises. The one we all struggle with at some point or another in our lives (it takes on so many creepy forms)… PRIDE.

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” – James 4:6

The restlessness of my soul in these moments are so apparent. Many people do not understand the severe bondage of perfectionism and would read this blog post thinking I am just being too down on myself. But if they could only understand the pride that is often intertwined within this perfectionism… and that the “greatness” that appears on the outside, can easily create the rotting away inside my heart.

I’m sick of my sole achievement-striving. I want to just love God. The convicting of the Holy Spirit lately regarding the deep rootedness of my pride is painful.  It seems, I am gradually being humbled by the Lord… it feels like with a root this deep, a lot of digging around it is necessary first before it can be eradicated. I want Jesus’ love rooted deeply in me with His image shining brighter each day… not the Brittney-perfectionist image of pride.

How severely I need His grace.