I had an incredible weekend. It was seriously like heaven came down and swooped me back into Jesus’ arms. I just want to glorify Him and praise His name again like never before!
It’s actually quite odd how this came about. The Lord simply used a person to propell me back into Him. I hadn’t seen this person for about 10 months and they came for a weekend visit. He simply shared with my family what he will be doing in his upcoming season with the Lord, just shared his heart.
It produced some major conviction in me and deep longing for what he had. Wanting to get back to the place where my desire was to abide in Christ and follow hard after Him, no matter the circumstances. To just be fully caught up in HIM and not the world or my own stresses, my own opinions, my own “life”, etc. Just purely abandoned and devoted to my Father, with a pure soft heart.
After he left that evening (well, it was very early morning by that time), I had such an array of emotions and defenses. I hadn’t really known why I was so upset. It was like every area of my heart, my frustrations, my fears, where I’ve been lacking, etc. cropped up in a single evening… simply because this person was just being who they are. I wept and spat out to my family some of my deep issues amongst the anger, tears, fears, and frustrations… It was so late and we were all so tired that after about 45 minutes of this, we had to go to sleep. I couldn’t sleep… I went to my room and hit the floor. On my knees, in the fetal position, flat faced, completely open on my back… every vulnerable position possible for an unworthy sinner before a SO-worthy God. I wept, cried out, fussed, repented, and have no idea what else I was saying or doing. Couldn’t even tell you exactly what occurred, but God was stirring in my heart and my flesh was battling.
I finally went to sleep… the next morning I awoke with the thought of how I have let conditions dictate my love for others, and therefore have not been loving at all. I have not been glorifying God in my heart, mind, words, or actions – I have not been washing others’ feet as I have been created to. I have not been loving or serving the people around me and have therefore not been doing so to God. I cried again at these waking realizations. My eyes were so swollen from the night’s tears, that they were almost only slivers to see through.
On that following day, our family friend had left something at our house, so we had to return it to him. I spent the day with my sister until we could meet with him and my brother. We saw him only briefly, although these moments were just as amazing as the night before because of this beautiful human and his interaction with my beautiful brother – but we picked up my brother and within only 30 minutes of being with our brother, a similar thing occurred in him.
I won’t go into detail, but the point of it is… this person was just “being”. Meaning, he just LOVES the Lord and was being who he is, and the heart in him and his desire for God, was used by God to produce conviction and longing in (at least) two other hearts… by just spending a day or even moment or a few hours with him. It wasn’t just the person himself, it was Christ in him that was contagious… you can “imagine” (believe) then that this is what Jesus was like.
If we will just “be”… just abide in Christ, then how contagious will His love be in us and through us. This guy didn’t do anything necessarily “special” (he did, but I’m meaning like special actions or speaking engagements that we deem “Christian” and “ministering”), he just was who God created him to be and loving on Him and that love started moving into the people who needed it. It’s only contagious because the Lord was in it. He didn’t say all the “right things”, break out his bible and start preaching, pray/speak in tongues, break out his guitar and start worshiping on the spot, lay hands and pray for somebody, etc. Yes, those all can be expressions of loving God… but this guy was just in love with Him, and you could see it all over him, and you longed for what He had. Not because he was better than you, but because he just desired to be in His arms and glorify Him. The simplest child-like desire, to love and have a relationship with our Father.
It helped me realize, it convicted me, in the areas of my heart where I need HIM. I was desperately jealous of our friend and his simple love and freedom, just being who he is in Christ… I wanted some of that. I have it though, because we know the same God, we have a mutual friend named Jesus.
So I’m gonna just abide in Him again and give it all back to Him. Living a life of surrender/abandoned to my Father. Not holding on to my “rights”, opinions, life, “ministry”, perceptions, fears, anything… going after His heart to glorify Him and love Him with child-like faith for the rest of the time I’m on this planet and even after I get to see Him face-to-face. So just BE in Him, and let’s stop worrying about our task-list of things that have to be accomplished and properly live the “Christian life”. It’s not “Christian” if Christ isn’t in it. I wanna love Him, no matter what… and walk with Him. Who cares what it looks like to everyone else, He’s the One that matters.