I opened this window to draft some things about my very human struggle and God’s very real redemption from it… right as I opened this window however, I broke down weeping.

From the outside, it would have appeared ‘out of the blue’, but more was going on deeper… and it wasn’t just a random occurrence. It was sudden, yes, but not without reason – God was penetrating and stirring my heart… somehow… He penetrated.

Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.

Psalm 37:4-7a

The bolded are, I guess, what we’d consider “suggestions”. They’re coupled with what God will do when we actually do those supposed “suggestions”.

I read those verses for like the hundredth time this morning.

I have been struggling for the past month and a half. Not constantly, I have some good days, but overall just confusingly wandering and wondering.  Have I come to the Lord with these struggles and state of being? Very little.

“Sin is a fundamental relationship; it is not wrong doing, it is wrong being, deliberate and emphatic independence of God.” – My Utmost for His Highest

Something used to wake me in the morning, it would stir my heart and I would wake up wild with a passionate zeal for the day. It wasn’t my tasks for the day, my workout, my friends/family, my school/work, the “impressive” early hour, my goals, my self-determination or will to live. It wasn’t the new day to experience and it wasn’t “life”.

I still wake up… only I’ve been lacking the passionate zeal that makes my heart go wild with excitement each morning.

I’ve been chasing the desires of my heart and mind each day.

The world and human standard may say there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s goal-oriented… a successful mindset. Let’s all be optimistic and we’ll lead the ‘good life’!

Then why have I felt utterly confused, miserable, and unable to wake up in the morning with that passionate stirring of my heart?

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:17-24

When I’m not delighting in the LORD, committing my ways to Him, trusting Him, being still and waiting patiently before and for Him… my heart tends to become hardened with the deceitful desires of my old self and sin. I wander around in the dark, blinded by my “understanding” that I constantly try to lean on and separated from the life of God.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
    fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

Proverbs 4:5-8

More of those “suggestions”, and what God will do if we follow those… I see a pattern here.

The reality of JESUS and who He is what wakes me up in the mornings. His love, passion, and the opportunity to get to know this Man. His redemption. Being humbled by the fact that I have been given an opportunity to breathe another breath, to live out a day because it was given to me as a blessing from the King and Creator of all.

I broke down when I started this because I’m wearing out my own heart by stubbornly rebelling in my living against the most beautiful reality. The beautiful humbling reality of how incredibly enormous, consuming, and unfailing the love Jesus possesses for me. For each one of us. It is not out of duty/obligation or religion that I want to be with Him. His radical relentless love for me compels me to want to come to Him, to stop giving in to my sin and the things that separate us, His love and who He is is worthy and is what changes us.

Delighting in Him, committing to Him, trusting Him, being still before Him, waiting patiently for Him, acknowledging Him in everything, and fearing Him, loving Him – each day, each new morning.

If you listen to the following song, be forewarned there are a few “strong” words in it. It is one of my all time favorites though. I’ll share the lyrics after it also. I may have shared it before, but I can’t remember. It’s a good depiction of where my heart has been. Thank God for mercy. I don’t know where I’d be without HIS amazing grace.

If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need
or is there more I’m looking for

and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want

I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife