I made the following statement two days ago on my twitter:

“I love it when God lets the reality of life and the state of my heart bring me crashing down to my knees.”

Now, that statement pretty much makes sense even though it’s trapped within the limitations of 140 characters. But as the excessive (or maybe it’s – obsessive?) person that I am, I can’t just leave it at that when so much else must be shared.

I made the statement within 15 minutes of the “reality” hitting me in the gut, but I didn’t hit my knees until another 15 minutes after that. And the pinnacle “revelation” of the state my heart is in has yet to be reached. Although at the time I thought it was pretty much there, God was only scratching the surface – He’s so personal and gentle with me, knowing how to draw me even when I think I’ve got things figured out.

Yesterday – I couldn’t tell up from down and couldn’t form a proper sentence in my head to tell anyone what was going on. Ever have those days? You’re all over the place and can’t figure out what’s going on inside you so you’re just frustrated and creepy for no apparent reason and by golly you can’t figure it out so it’s even more annoying!  I’ve actually been like this for a couple of weeks now.  Was still trying to figure it out and associate this new attitude or “way” about me with something that may have happened externally to cause such an internal battle. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5) were far from me and oy vey I was so frustrated that they weren’t in, much less near me – and I couldn’t figure out why! Arg.

This morning, I just wanted to “let go”. Let go of trying to figure myself out and what was going on inside me. Gave it up to God to move and show me in His time, since He knows me far better and deeper than I could ever think of going. I want to be self-controlled, search my heart, and not swerve to the right or left – but I don’t want to do God’s job or even attempt that anymore. Sanctification and righteousness comes from the blood of the perfect Lamb, Jesus, not by my own heart or my own will to get there. I can’t redeem myself.

It then hit me that I get so caught up in my way of approaching and handling things, that I get more uptight about my life and what’s going on around me – I begin neglecting the simple truth of the Cross and simple childlike faith and acceptance of Jesus and what God is doing… I conveniently forget to let go and surrender, even in the midst of my internal battling. I think that “I HAVE to figure this out for myself so I can fix this and follow the Lord the right way”.  It’s really quite silly that I continue this cycle and run around in my head and heart. Not only is it silly, but it’s sinful – I become the master of my heart and life at that point, not Jesus. It is true that we are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling… but wow, I just looked up that verse again and read the second part of that statement. Check it out:

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. – Philippians 2:12-13

I tend to forget that it is GOD (not ME) who works in me to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Geez! That’s freedom right there… it proves that we cannot earn our salvation and cannot fix ourselves to follow God “correctly”. The fear and trembling comes with the realization that God is ALL Holy and there’s nothing we can do about our own salvation except to accept this gift by His grace and the death of Christ. It’s complete surrender.

I was actually going to write more about this topic.  That verse wasn’t even on the writing docket in my head when I started this – it actually interrupted my train of thought and writing, so I’m thinking after that verse – there isn’t much more I can or should say…

This may be incomplete in “thought” and not fully explained – but that’s okay for now. Just let that verse really soak in. I know it needs to really soak in for me.