May 22, 2012

My Dear Friend,

I don’t know how to begin this but I must get it out. It’s been on my heart for so long and it needs to be written. You probably don’t even know that this letter is for you.

This isn’t about me but my prayer is that you can see beyond my struggles, sin-nature, and hypocrisy to be able to listen deeply to the cries in my heart/spirit and that you will be able to fully grasp what I am writing to you. I am risking much, but I have to say it. I’m compelled by the Holy Spirit, yet I’m frightened that I may get in the way because of my sinful tendencies and temptations. I can only prayerfully compose this with the faith and hope that God is sovereign and that there is a reason for this letter. Please read beyond “me” and ignore my gross areas of darkness.

I adore you, my friend… you break my heart more than most anyone. I weep for you. If only you knew how many times. Do not misinterpret/mis-perceive any of this or let those realities devastate you. It is my humble responsibility as your friend to have my heart break in such a way, it’s a breaking that is required and is what Christ uses to show me how to love you more and love you through Him. I don’t weep because I think I’m better or know better, my heart breaks for you in various degrees and for lots of reasons that are difficult to express. If my heart was not burdened for you or did not break, then I would be worried and wonder if I truly cared for you. If I were ever indifferent toward you in that way, then I’m sure the Lord would not be pleased. My heart may then be too hardened to let Him move.

It is because of this care for you that I write.

I know how you hate if someone undermines or questions you or when people try telling you what to do, please don’t see this letter that way – because I am not doing this and that’s the last thing in my heart. I am merely sharing what I see, humbly out of love for you and because I desire to honor you above myself as the bible says I should. You mostly desire what is good, and you hate evil. You try to accept people just as they are and not pass judgment. You want to protect the innocent and take care of the people in your life. You know your heart isn’t pure but you often long for purity. You try not to pretend you’re something you aren’t because you despise hypocrisy. You know parts of your nature that you fall into but you keep trying to change this on your own. No amount of discipline can save you though, and I’m not sure but I think you know this.

You say that I am a ‘good person’. How can I explain to you that it isn’t so, without you thinking that I’m degrading myself?

Friend, I wish you would calm down and let it all go. I’m sure that my own struggles do not give a good example of this either, so it’s almost ridiculous for me to even say. Yet this is the only thing you must know and live in, something I’m learning daily. God adores you. Beyond what I ever can. He is jealously in love with you. I’m sure that’s difficult to comprehend and believe… it was/is for me anyway. It may even sound crazy. I have many friends and people in my life (believe it or not, ha) from various backgrounds and walks. Yet, I can almost SEE how He pursues you and tries to draw you into His arms. As I write that even now it brings me to tears. I’ve known this for years as we’ve been friends but have really begun to notice it more and more lately. I still don’t even know quite how to express this. It’s so beautiful how He wants your attention and a REAL relationship with you! He wants all of you though, to hold you, heal you, mold you, and set you free from your chains… He doesn’t want just part of you. But you are often so stubborn and fight so much for your own will and independence. Along with your other defense mechanisms, it seems like you keep wanting to have Him at a distance where it’s easier to close your eyes and heart and just run and deal with your life and direction on your own. All the while God still pursues and wants you… but still gives you the free will to be with Him or not. Maybe you’ve been bogged down with the rules and regulations of “Christianity”, the traditions and religion, the “guilt”, or even the hypocrisy. I’ve been there too and didn’t fully know how to be in love with the Lord or understand that it was even possible. Or maybe what you’ve had to do to survive some of the pain you’ve faced has created the wall and barrier. I’m not sure. I just know that the Lord wants to catch you up in His arms and in His life for you… for real. Not a life of rules and guilt or religion. But one that’s like super intense – filled with the only Love that conquers the world and every sin in each person, if we will only have faith and believe in Him.

You know of Jesus and from what I gather you believe in Him. But how can I explain to you that you cannot WILL yourself into being better or being a good person? Is it possible to express that your determination and good deeds will always fail you and no matter how hard you try – you’ll never be good enough? We know this… but can this reality really hit people like us; who are often self-driven to be better, do more, think of others, volunteer, change habits, push harder? Or will the thought of never being good enough make us more furious to try harder?

Without Jesus Christ, we can never reach the righteousness or purity we desire. It just is not humanly possible. We need to be covered by the blood of the only pure, holy, and righteous Man to ever live. We need Him to live. We need Him to die. We need Him to breathe. We need Him to restore our relationship to the Almighty God.

You’re beautiful. He wants to be with you, to draw you in, and love you wholly.

I don’t know what else to say, but hopefully my words penetrated some area of your heart and you can open up this part of you to accept His love and let Him change you. He’s waiting for you… just cry out to Him.

Your friend,

Brittney