I wrote this on my scratch pad on March 4, 2014… not in my typical journal or anywhere I normally write important things because a scratch pad was all I had at the time.
I have to write this out somewhere before I implode. Society as we know it is a fallacy. In mere months and years, all that we know is going to shift and shake every belief we hold on to. Unless these beliefs are rooted and established in truth, that is Jesus Christ, and in deep communion and intimacy with Him, we will fall and chase after the counterfeit and imitations. My heart is burdened, concerned, and alarmed for my generation. We are in the last days. And the great and dreadful day of the Lord is fast approaching. If we are not awake, alert, and ready for it… it’s going to take us by surprise and we will mourn. We will be devastated. I am not satisfied with deception or being deceived any longer. The truth will be revealed, the darkness will be exposed. It is time, and it is about to hit. Be ready.
I wrote that while I was in the midst of a heavy school load during a spring semester… only a few short months after I’d returned to pursue my college career for the second time. I took a break again the fall of 2013, even though I’d come back for a year of school – I wasn’t so sure about any of it. And looking back at that brief raw gush from my heart, I saw it coming, but I still have fallen into counterfeits and imitations of things to somehow try to satiate my flesh or fill the holes I’m told I have by society.
Beware the atmosphere of the college world. I’m still “detoxing” from it if you will, even though I’ve graduated and haven’t been in regular college courses for a full year now. It’s a brainwashing system, much like the majority of the school systems of all levels that have eliminated God from their “knowledge”. It’s hard to sift through what’s real and what isn’t, what’s truth and what’s deception. It’s a powerful and carefully crafted pseudo-reality.
My heart has been heavy and aching for the past couple of years. Perhaps it’s all just cynicism creeping in due to the lack of time I’ve had to devote to my true heart’s desire the past many months, but my soul is in despair and has been bothered for a while.
Is anyone else out there questioning what’s going on? Can anyone else feel this creepy sense of rationalization taking place in their hearts? Or if not in one’s heart, can you feel it in the church or the people around you?
I’m not talking about the “church” as the building or “fellowship” you attend on Sundays either… I’m talking about the real church, the supposed body of Christ… can anyone else sense it – a falling away? A slow fade into oblivion and desensitization?
Maybe it’s just me… I mean me, personally, that this is happening to. I’ve done it. Rationalized, turned my eyes away, succumb to fear and temptation, been desensitized by the world around me. I’ve been brainwashed and fell into believing that I can control my life… that certain cultural or societal functions are what make up a healthy human life of quality… that paying off debt and getting pulled into this cycle of working to acquire money to pay bills to work toward a better living environment, marriage, or acquiring more bills to need more money to work more hours to pay for just “living”…
What is the measure of success in this life?
As a teenager, I had grandiose plans, hopes, dreams, and desires about how I was going to help change the world… impact lives for the sake of the Cross and for Jesus. I was ambitious, determined, passionate and believed that nothing could put out this fire that burned so deep and bright within my soul for the Man I loved with all of my heart and who died on the Cross to free me from my sins. I was courageous and unafraid to share what He had done in me.
What happened here? Where did all of that go? Where’s that girl?
I have felt totally beat up over the past two years. Last year was full of heartaches and trials, things that hit me out of left field, that I never expected. Circumstances, finances, transitions in relationships, and betrayals – my mind, heart, body, and spirit were all impacted by these things. The emotional roller coaster and drama of the human condition, I felt it hard-core. My feelings and fears began to rule over me more than the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
I’m still trying to figure out how to cope, how to manage, how to balance… and no amount of Christianese or will-power is going to help me. History tells me I should pick myself up by my bootstraps, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that anymore, it’s only a temporary fix anyway.
I can’t handle any more brainwashing, any more facade, any more traditional religious “self-help” pseudo-doctrine, any more unnecessary fleeting encouragement. I am discouraged right now, because this world it’s coming to its end and we’re all running around wasting time as if it’s a commodity we somehow own. I need raw, real, authentic truth… the blood of Jesus to cleanse and renew. That’s the only way of deliverance and hope from this destruction… not by any thing I can think, say, or do on my own.
How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God! – Hebrews 9:14