Outpourings from an imperfect but redeemed & treasured heart of clay.

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Questions, Brainwashing, & Pitfalls

I wrote this on my scratch pad on March 4, 2014… not in my typical journal or anywhere I normally write important things because a scratch pad was all I had at the time.

I have to write this out somewhere before I implode. Society as we know it is a fallacy. In mere months and years, all that we know is going to shift and shake every belief we hold on to. Unless these beliefs are rooted and established in truth, that is Jesus Christ, and in deep communion and intimacy with Him, we will fall and chase after the counterfeit and imitations. My heart is burdened, concerned, and alarmed for my generation. We are in the last days. And the great and dreadful day of the Lord is fast approaching. If we are not awake, alert, and ready for it… it’s going to take us by surprise and we will mourn. We will be devastated. I am not satisfied with deception or being deceived any longer. The truth will be revealed, the darkness will be exposed. It is time, and it is about to hit. Be ready.

I wrote that while I was in the midst of a heavy school load during a spring semester… only a few short months after I’d returned to pursue my college career for the second time. I took a break again the fall of 2013, even though I’d come back for a year of school – I wasn’t so sure about any of it. And looking back at that brief raw gush from my heart, I saw it coming, but I still have fallen into counterfeits and imitations of things to somehow try to satiate my flesh or fill the holes I’m told I have by society.

Beware the atmosphere of the college world. I’m still “detoxing” from it if you will, even though I’ve graduated and haven’t been in regular college courses for a full year now. It’s a brainwashing system, much like the majority of the school systems of all levels that have eliminated God from their “knowledge”. It’s hard to sift through what’s real and what isn’t, what’s truth and what’s deception. It’s a powerful and carefully crafted pseudo-reality.

My heart has been heavy and aching for the past couple of years. Perhaps it’s all just cynicism creeping in due to the lack of time I’ve had to devote to my true heart’s desire the past many months, but my soul is in despair and has been bothered for a while.

Is anyone else out there questioning what’s going on? Can anyone else feel this creepy sense of rationalization taking place in their hearts? Or if not in one’s heart, can you feel it in the church or the people around you?

I’m not talking about the “church” as the building or “fellowship” you attend on Sundays either… I’m talking about the real church, the supposed body of Christ… can anyone else sense it – a falling away? A slow fade into oblivion and desensitization?

Maybe it’s just me… I mean me, personally, that this is happening to. I’ve done it. Rationalized, turned my eyes away, succumb to fear and temptation, been desensitized by the world around me. I’ve been brainwashed and fell into believing that I can control my life… that certain cultural or societal functions are what make up a healthy human life of quality… that paying off debt and getting pulled into this cycle of working to acquire money to pay bills to work toward a better living environment, marriage, or acquiring more bills to need more money to work more hours to pay for just “living”…

What is the measure of success in this life?

As a teenager, I had grandiose plans, hopes, dreams, and desires about how I was going to help change the world… impact lives for the sake of the Cross and for Jesus. I was ambitious, determined, passionate and believed that nothing could put out this fire that burned so deep and bright within my soul for the Man I loved with all of my heart and who died on the Cross to free me from my sins. I was courageous and unafraid to share what He had done in me.

What happened here? Where did all of that go? Where’s that girl?

I have felt totally beat up over the past two years. Last year was full of heartaches and trials, things that hit me out of left field, that I never expected. Circumstances, finances, transitions in relationships, and betrayals – my mind, heart, body, and spirit were all impacted by these things. The emotional roller coaster and drama of the human condition, I felt it hard-core. My feelings and fears began to rule over me more than the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

I’m still trying to figure out how to cope, how to manage, how to balance… and no amount of Christianese or will-power is going to help me. History tells me I should pick myself up by my bootstraps, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that anymore, it’s only a temporary fix anyway.

I can’t handle any more brainwashing, any more facade, any more traditional religious “self-help” pseudo-doctrine, any more unnecessary fleeting encouragement. I am discouraged right now, because this world it’s coming to its end and we’re all running around wasting time as if it’s a commodity we somehow own. I need raw, real, authentic truth… the blood of Jesus to cleanse and renew.  That’s the only way of deliverance and hope from this destruction… not by any thing I can think, say, or do on my own.

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God! – Hebrews 9:14

Who holds your heart?

This is something I wrote over five years ago on a different blog site. While a lot has changed since then, this message was even more relevant today, so I wanted to share it for those who may need it like I did/do.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I actually started to write this post yesterday morning (the title is still the same), then stopped because I had to take care of a few things. Yesterday evening I was shared something from my brother that will stick with me for the rest of my life – and it actually correlated with what I was going to write about in this blog… but it changed my entire perspective as well.

The title is “Who holds your heart?”… and that is the ultimate question. While the purpose of this blog, “Wash-His Feet”, may be two-fold – it’s main focus is Jesus Christ. So often, we get distracted from Him due to our desires or life circumstances or whatever. It’s easy to get distracted when you have the desire to get married, or especially when you are married. That’s what Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 7 on the difference between married and unmarried men and women (but I’ll save that for a later post…).

Yesterday I will confess I had a particular person on my mind and heart for most of the day, and that person was not Jesus but a man who really loves Jesus. So that evening, I asked my brother (who knows this man personally) “do you think I’m setting myself up for a disappointment by liking ______?” What he shared, I had already in my heart… but he shared this in a way that changed my perspective quite a bit and got me more focused on the Lord than on my “situation” of liking someone. He said “I think if you’re holding out for him, then yes – you are…” He also mentioned many other things about how I do not need to be worried or thinking about it but needed to remain focused on Jesus… because if the Lord were to work it out that I would marry this person then I will be delighted, but if He did not see fit have me marry him, if my focus was solely on God working His will – I would not be affected or disappointed if this man found another girl. My brother said I should go to the Lord desiring to be His servant, not just to be a wife on earth. This was extremely pertinent to what the Lord has placed in me for Wash-His Feet, but it hit me so deeply that I know God was trying to get my attention. It changed something in my heart, and I am very grateful to my brother for speaking into my life this way.

So, the question we all should be asking ourselves is – who holds my heart?

This goes for singles, engaged couples, as well as husband and wife. If your future husband, fiance, or husband solely holds your heart, you have a lot of expectation put on a man – that he will never live up to because he is human. This does not mean your husband should not hold or have your heart, by all means if you shut yourself off to him; what kind of marriage is that? What it does mean is, your heart should be securely fixated and held in the hands of Jesus Christ completely. You belong to Him first (and so does your husband).

For singles, do not continue to seek a love that will not satisfy, or worry if a particular person may be “the one” God has for you to marry. Let the Lord hold your heart until He orchestrates the proper time for a relationship and marriage. Don’t “hold out” for a man. “Hold out” for the day when you will see Jesus face-to-face. Pursue His heart as He holds yours. Wash-His feet as His servant and bride-to-be… you will never be disappointed. Follow Him hard, and love Him intensely. Do what He has placed in you to do. And if/when He does send an earthly man to pursue you, you will be delighted… plus, you will have something greater to offer your husband on earth. You will be much more secure because you belong to the Lord.

Wash-His feet… first.

The Life of an “Individual” Marriage

Monday, December 13, 2010

I haven’t written here in a while. I suppose it is because I have been “busy” with other things and life. I think I need to start this up again, and writing out some of my opinions, what I believe the Lord puts in my heart (based on His Word), and some of the frustrations that are brought on by my observations.

Though I have neglected to write on this blog, I have written some in my personal journal – and I do still very much have opinions that need to be written out or my head and heart may implode.

Though at this stage and season of my life, I only have the role of a daughter and sister. I definitely have a strong standard, convictions, and opinions on the role of a wife and noble woman. Not that I have met this standard myself (I am far from it) but I know the standard that is set before me that is spoken and laid out by God himself…

There are so many marriages to observe and learn from while you are un-wed. I pray that these lessons stick in my heart deep, because I do not want to cause this misery I observe to the man I marry.

In this post, I have on my heart to write of an “individual” marriage… not as in, a particular marriage, but about the marriage of individuals…

God created us, male and female… we are two different creatures with two different roles and different strengths and weaknesses. He creates each of His children individually, specially and uniquely made. I don’t think many people really quite know what they’re getting into or signing up for when they get married… that’s probably why the divorce rate has increased so much over the years and is still at 50% (including in Christian households – sad). Females, in my humble opinion, for the most part typically fall in love with being “in love” (or so they think). I’ve observed many a Christian girl who so desperately want to be married, and I often wonder if they truly know who they’re marrying and what they think they’re marriage will look like.

We live in a society that pushes “fairy-tale love” instead of REAL love… independence and individuality instead of service and denying-self. We grow up in this society saying that it is “right” and “normal” to be the former, in some cases we’re even taught it or fed it by our parents. Movies, music, books, news, peers, friends, etc. all push the “fairy-tale love” or the touchy-feely butterflies love, and to be independent and individual. I am not denying that there is physical attraction (and should be), that you do get butterflies when you love someone, but I’m saying – is this true love or just infatuation or lust sometimes? You grow up with peer-pressure from all sides telling you you need to move out at this time, or disobey/dishonor your parents in this way, or be in a relationship in order to “be somebody”. With the physical society tangible world yelling one thing, it’s difficult to hear the still small voice of Yah saying the opposite… the still small voice that says ‘honor your parents’ ‘serve’ ‘deny yourself, take up your cross – follow me instead of the world’ ‘I’ll show you what true love is’ and even ‘I’ll show you what real marriage looks like’. Yet we choose to break the Father’s heart and go our own way – holding on to our individuality, independence, and cheap version of love and marriage…

I’m not sure if I’m forming the picture or explaining my point very well, but bare with me…

Let’s just take an example of the average American Christian female. She desperately wants to be married because she sees the beauty of it in her own parents lives (or maybe her parents’ marriage wasn’t so great and she thinks she can do better) and knows that the Lord set up marriage in the very beginning. Nothing wrong with that, right? She’s independent and was raised to have her own life… she dates a great Christian guy for a couple years, and they “fall in love” and get married. Here’s where the reality check starts to come in for our average American Christian girl… the fairy-tale love and dream of marriage doesn’t look like she thought it would. She’s losing her individuality and doesn’t know who she is anymore! She worrys all the time about bills and money or dishes and food, ‘he’s not affectionate enough’, ‘he’s not the man I married’… Now what?

I think this case happens with a lot of marriages though… because instead of loving the other person, denying ourselves, seeing our spouse as someone to become ONE with, and to lift above ourselves… we’ve been fed the crap of individualism, and fall in love with being “in love” or being “married” instead of falling in love with a person. Huh… funny how its so similar to the Christian walk – we so often fall in love with the blessings, “being a Christian”, belonging to a group, “saving others”, worshiping, praying, reading our Bibles, learning more, forgiveness, not going to Hell, etc… that we forget the Person, Jesus Christ, we don’t LOVE Him for real then, do we? We’re in love with ourselves at that point, and our own legend… just like the female Christian example was in love with herself and the picture she painted in her head of “marriage”.

This marriage then becomes two roommates… two people fighting for their individuality… or maybe in some cases 1 person fighting for their individuality, and the other trying to be one with one. In this case, the person fighting for individuality is sucking the life out of or using the other who is trying to serve and be one.

Individualism is a scary thing in a marriage. The beauty of marriage is that you are two individuals… BECOMING ONE! That’s how God set it up… but we so often screw it up. Holding on to your “individuality” when you’re married is incorrect – and is not a marriage. You do lose your “individuality” because you are no longer just your own, you belong to the other – that was part of your covenant sealing before God, that’s what you signed up for and made a promise to. If you don’t think you did, then you’re wrong and you weren’t completely there at your wedding ceremony. But it’s like holding on to your individuality when God asks you to deny-yourself and follow Him – it just can’t work. You can’t give your life over to the Lord and then try to take it back. You follow one master or the other, there is no in between – no grey areas… you should deny yourself in your earthly marriage, otherwise you’re simply loving yourself. What you do affects the other, and visa versa – you are one. When you married someone, you took all of them – flesh, habits, personality, quirks, and all… they are one with you and you are one with them. You are no longer JUST an individual, you took on this other person – your soul mate – you belong to them. So if you wed with the wrong idea of marriage, of course you’ll think you’re “losing your individuality”… because you are SUPPOSED to. You do have individual giftings, weaknesses, and strengths – but they are to be used in the process of becoming one. You can no longer be selfish, your own, just you… you must consider the other above yourself, be selfless, wash his feet….

Marriage to someone on earth is a reflection of your relationship (marriage) with the Lord… it’s the earthly symbol of it. How amazingly cool is that?! So many people don’t treat it this precious though, we’d rather hold on to our selves and our individuality… instead of serving the other individual and becoming one with him… read the Bible for instructions on marriage if you’re losing sight of what it really is all about.

I know this isn’t a very organized post, but I was simply sharing… I didn’t say as much as I wanted to, or in the way in which I wanted to, but there you have it. I’ll post some Bible verses to back this all up…

Genesis 2:24
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become ONE FLESH.

Psalm 119:33-36
Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding, and I will keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.

1 Corinthians 7:3-4
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

1 Cointhians 13:4-8a (we all know this one… but do we actually act upon it?)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not SELF-SEEKING, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Ephesians 4:22-24
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

READ Ephesians 5
READ Colossians 3
READ 1 Peter 3 (by the way females, in this passage it states that wives are the weaker partner – if you have a problem with this, you have a problem with God… God’s word is true, and wives ARE the WEAKER partner – whether you like it or not, to put it bluntly)

Revelation 19: 6-9
Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting:

“Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herselve ready.
Fine linen, bright and clean,
was given her to wear.”

(Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.)

Then the angel said to me, “Write: ‘Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!'” And he added, “These are the true words of God.”

I know there are lots of others, but I have to actually write them out because they won’t copy/paste. But soak in these for a while… let the Lord come in and move, repent if you need to, and allow Him to change your heart.

Also, remember to go wash his feet in some way… by washing His feet.

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