Clayheart

Outpourings from an imperfect but redeemed & treasured heart of clay.

Personal Confession Time

I have a confession… it’s a hard and painful one to admit too. But if I can finally get it written out and publically displayed, then maybe I’ll be free of it. Maybe then the Lord will heal me, and maybe I’ll be able to pour my heart out through written prose freely and openly again.

I stopped believing in love.

No wonder I haven’t “felt” anything in months. No wonder I’ve been numb and jaded.

Now, that may be a strange phrase to read. Sounds a bit humanistic when I look at it. But to believe in love goes hand-in-hand with believing in God. God is love (1 John 4:8 & 4:16 say so). He doesn’t just love people, or possess it as a quality… He IS love, He embodies it. He created it and is the whole and perfect expression of love.

The Lord revealed the depth of my indifference toward love today on my drive home from work. He had been softening me up for a while, but I tried to harden up again today… so He broke me down and opened me up. Tears are brought to my eyes again just thinking about it.

I was listening to a CD I had put in my car player on the drive TO work this morning, and the track changed to Holy Wedding Day by The City Harmonic. Man, I’m telling you, I really like that song. So I turned it up loud as it started and stuck my arm out the window to raise my hand in worship. Next moment, I was weeping… totally unexpectedly.

See, it’s that very specific love that I stopped believing in. Initially, I thought that I had just stopped believing in marriage and romance. In the very deep chasms of my heart, I have intensively romantic qualities… I just never reveal it fully, never let it out, because it’s sacred… I almost shared this part of my heart, twice, but I kept it hidden inside and ended up displaying my control and fears instead. It was over before I ever even got to a new title or status. The second time was the hardest, because I had kept these feelings for this particular man hidden for years, even while trying to let go and let the first one in… until my heart was so weighed down with sorrow that any hope of romance just vaporized.

Unintentionally, I had wrapped up all “love” into “romance.” So when I perceived anything romantic in my heart had died, my belief in love went with it. Two failed attempts at ‘more than friends,’ and I had given up. My heart is not easily given over to romance. I can’t jump from guy to guy or just meet people and ‘hit it off’. For those two guys, it had taken me years to even warm up to the idea. So I resolved that I just wasn’t cut out for romance, and definitely not cut out for marriage if I can’t even get beyond the friend zone. Why even get married if most of them die anyway? Or so this was my thought process and flawed perspective…

I’ve seen and felt too much heartache and heartbreak. I’ve gone into places that most people don’t dare step foot into, because it may be too sad or depressing. I soak it all in whether I want to or not.

Nursing homes where older adults are trapped because their kids won’t or don’t have the ability to take care of them. If you listen, you hear the heartbreak, confusion, and pain of these widows and widowers. You hear the longing and need for love, but so few are willing to give it.

I’ve worked with kids in the foster system who are not only given up by their biological parents, but by their adoptive parents as well. Then when they’re in the system, they’re left with people who may or may not truly love or care for them, but are out to selfishly or surfacely display insincere acts of supposed kindness and help. A place where caregivers can’t say “I love you.” If you listen, you can hear the anger, confusion, and pain of these children. You hear the longing and need for love, but so few are willing to give it.

I’ve worked with youth who were abused – physically, emotionally, sexually, or a combination of all. I’ve worked in homes where parents or even the child themselves don’t know if they’re going to make it past their next birthday, or maybe they already went through that fear of losing that child so they’re still unsure… or they already had lost a child. You hear the pain, I feel it, I see it… and listen to the longing and need for love in all of these settings.

So much pain… and then the broken healthcare system says I cannot talk about Jesus, because that’s apparently “religion” or so says company policy. I can’t give those hurting children real hugs or tell them they are genuinely loved, because it is “no touch” facility. I’m told I cannot even keep in contact with the children or families I’ve worked with after I leave. I’ve even stifled my expressions of love, to acquiesce to what others pressure me to do or be. With the work I have done, with the companies I’ve worked for, I’ve been conditioned to fear loving and building relationship with these hurting people.

So I’ve let this all influence me and I’ve stayed away, I’ve given in to these worldly policies and the lies of the enemy… distanced myself, stopped believing in love and the healing power of love through the Cross and expression of love Himself, Jesus – both with personal intimate relationships and my vocational relationships. The true, selfless, unconditional, deeply loyal, agape love. The Jesus love. The one that laid down everything, His very life, for His bride… this was the root, this was actually where I stopped believing in love.

I want to be conditioned and equipped properly by God alone, to genuinely love, despite what the world is saying – and to believe in this love, to walk in it, to be consumed by it, and to let the depth of my romantic qualities come out and be expressed in a healthy way that honors God, without fear. I can express all of my romantic qualities within my heart before Him, freely and safely. He is my husband and I still will be a bride someday, at the greatest wedding of all!

Today, without fear, I gave butterfly kisses to the little girl with medical challenges that I work with… I began building a relationship and bonding with her through safe touch and fun. It may be part of my job to care for her, but it’s part of my calling to love her.

The Lord has given me a sensitive, unique heart for a reason… I am hard-wired for intimate relationships and love, to share Him in such a way and show where He is in the midst of the pain… and I am going to fight again with all that is in me to not allow the rules of this world and the lies of the enemy to crowd out what I’m called to do. And that is to show relentless, unconditionally, beautiful genuine love to everyone I come in contact with out of the overflow of love poured into my heart by God, through His Son and blood, and the Holy Spirit.

Thank God for brokenness! Holy is the Lord Almighty! You alone are worthy to be praised!

2 Comments

  1. I actually cried reading this.. What a beautiful heart you’ve got, sister! Clearly God is already doing powerful things with the love He’s placed in you.

    • Wow. Thank you so much for commenting on this, Ashley. It is very encouraging. I’m so glad it is apparent that God is working in me. He definitely is, and to Him be the glory! I’ve been very humbled these past few weeks with what He is doing.

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